Balance Cock Bugle
Horological satire – sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves
Florida Man Swims with Rolex Submariner
FT LAUDERDALE, FL – Last week, several witnesses confirmed the sighting of a middle-aged man frequent the shores of Cannon Beach, a stretch of sandbar notably adjacent to the Atlantic Ocean—in spite of there being a Rolex Submariner affixed to his wrist. Seemingly undeterred by the surf, sources recalled a display of “alarming nonchalance” as the half-naked figure transitioned between building sand castles and full submersion below waves. ‘“Oh nothing, just rinsing off,” he’d say,” recalled a local with disbelief. “And then he’d just waltz in there… waist deep… with the Rolex on his wrist and everything.” He paused to find his words until they finally flared all at once, “Like it was just no big fu**ing deal that the thing was gonna get wet!” Lifelong native Andrew Rencher commented, “You know, sometimes, you just sort of try and pretend like you don’t live in a world of clichés. But, like, you can’t escape the unexpected, right?” He sifted through headlines through the past, “Florida Man beer bongs a gator. Said name Florida man weds gator. Florida Man builds makeshift raft out of betrothed blowup dolls; Divorces gator. Florida Man drinks Diet Coke. But never once in my whole life could I have expected some dude just rock a Rollie in the water and be like, ‘What? It’s supposed to be waterproof.”’ He readjusted his sunglasses. “Get a clue, amigo.” “I guess technically it’s not their responsibility to do anything about it,” another bystander commented, “But you’d think a lifeguard would at least try and talk some sense to him.” He furrowed his brow at the memory. “This whole state has lost its goddamned mind.” “Tell you what,” he added. “If you ever catch me rockin’ a sub… like, any sub… not just the 116610… within eyesight of a boat……
Zodiac to Partner with Candy Companies for Limited Edition Bezel Colorways
“By this time next year, we’ll expand even further into the junk food franchises… get ready for the Pink Starburst Seawolf. The Astropop. The Count Chocula GMT… Ecto Cooler… The Hamburglar… Cool Ranch Doritos… iconic names for iconic color sets.
Cancelled Nautilus leaves AD’s Relieved: “No more Bribes with Sexual Favors”
Many dealers are now looking forward to what most have taken for granted; walking to their vehicle without fear of being stalked or healthier relationships without fear of being forcefully compromised.
Man Regrets Trading Left Testicle for Breitling Watch: “It didn’t Even Have an In-House Movement”
“I guess I have a backup if need be,” Conners conceded. “And I always did love Travolta in those talking baby movies…”
Aspiring Flipper Fails Miserably: “Buying’s Easy But People Won’t Pay as Much As I Want”
“Buying’s the easy part, but people won’t pay me as much as I want. I have no idea how Hodinkee does it.” The social media user shook his head
Dead Man Insists on Being Buried with “Newman” Daytona… To The Chagrin of His Family
“To my beloved Janet, I wish to honor our original agreement of ‘until death do we part’—and so I’ll be parting you with my Newman in tow…”
Buzz Aldrin’s Omega Speedmaster Found in a box of discarded NASA “Gen 1 Tech Scrap” [SATIRE]
I figured, ‘Hey, gear adrift is a gift!’ but when I realized it wasn’t a G-Shock I figured, ‘what’s the point.’ Plus, you gotta wind that sh*t every day.”
“Is That A Skagen?” Bride Leaves Groom At Altar
“I just couldn’t do it. I pictured our future together with him wearing that watch. He’d put it on for special occasions, job interviews, family holidays… eventually he’d even pass it down to our future children. It was all just too much. I can’t love a man who doesn’t respect himself enough to not wear a Skagen to his own wedding.”
Jaded Wife Donates Husband’s Watches to Trick-Or-Treat Candy Bag Due to Political Differences
“Seriously he deserved it. You should see who he’s voting for in the upcoming election. A few misplaced watches are nothing compared to Armageddon he intends to unleash upon the rest of the country.”
Tag Heuer drops “TAG” from Name by Popular Demand
They’ve simply resigned themselves to the understanding that, in general, they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing or how to market themselves.
HSNY hosts “Guide to Enunciation for All Things-Horology.”
René Ramis, HSNY’s Senior Instructor, was careful to articulate each vowel as he signed the accents across open air. “Tourbillon… côtes de Genève… ébauche… guilloche… These aren’t vending machine snacks.
Oregonian Evades Authorities and Races Toward Fires, “It’s Okay! I’ve Got a Ball Fireman.”
“Then he just broke into leg stretches and goes, ‘How long [have] I got? Thirty minutes? Forty-five minutes?’ He went on about how the smoke was no problem for a ball fireman’s tritium tubes and I should watch out…”
Husband with Selective Taste Begs Wife, “Please, Please Don’t Buy Me Another Watch”
I mean why own one or two Rolexes when you could have several dozen-” His voice trailed off before reaching back in the box, “…Kenneth Cole Reactions.”