Dead Man Insists on Being Buried with “Newman” Daytona… To The Chagrin of His Family

By: Damon Bailey

Chippewa Falls, WI – It took Malcolm Schiffer nearly twenty years to acquire his Rolex “Paul Newman” Daytona grail watch, informing onlookers that it would one day need to be pried off his “cold, dead wrist.” To the dismay of his kin, these conditions were amended with a last minute change of will before passing away last Tuesday at the age of 78:

“To my beloved Janet, I wish to honor our original agreement of ‘until death do we part’—and so I’ll be parting you with my Newman in tow.  The possibility of it being scooped up in an estate sale like John Glen’s Navitimer— or even worse, left in our son’s jean pockets where it would surely play pin ball against all sorts of car keys and loose change with the next laundry load –is too much for me to bear.”

Oversight for the watch’s fate will be ensured by Berges & Sons, the very same legal entity to have drafted Schiffer’s last will and testament documents. As precautionary measures for protection, both against the Daytona’s theft as well as possible defacing of the body by jaded family, Schiffer’s arrangements will include an open casket funeral guarded by Blackwater security forces.

Lead attorney Rick Berges has been a staunch supporter of Schiffer’s decision and reasoned, “For millennia, it’s been paramount to the deceased that particular belongings remain with them—take the Egyptians or Terracotta Army of the Qin Dynasty. Really, how does a simple watch even compare?”

Recent auctions suggest the Daytona’s value is estimated to be four hundred thousand dollars.

Janet Schiffer, widow to the deceased and Stafford’s former client, remains optimistic. “Mark my words. This isn’t over.”

Berges’ firm was quick to highlight the inheritance on record, citing that it was anything but a total loss:

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“To my immediate family, I leave my entire estate of lunar acreage—a sound investment considering the advent of the Space Force—as well as the several stars purchased in my name. May they bring you the same good fortune I’ve enjoyed since the day you gifted them to me all those years ago.”

 
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