Balance Cock Bugle
Horological satire – sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves
Florida Man Swims with Rolex Submariner
FT LAUDERDALE, FL – Last week, several witnesses confirmed the sighting of a middle-aged man frequent the shores of Cannon Beach, a stretch of sandbar notably adjacent to the Atlantic Ocean—in spite of there being a Rolex Submariner affixed to his wrist. Seemingly undeterred by the surf, sources recalled a display of “alarming nonchalance” as the half-naked figure transitioned between building sand castles and full submersion below waves. ‘“Oh nothing, just rinsing off,” he’d say,” recalled a local with disbelief. “And then he’d just waltz in there… waist deep… with the Rolex on his wrist and everything.” He paused to find his words until they finally flared all at once, “Like it was just no big fu**ing deal that the thing was gonna get wet!” Lifelong native Andrew Rencher commented, “You know, sometimes, you just sort of try and pretend like you don’t live in a world of clichés. But, like, you can’t escape the unexpected, right?” He sifted through headlines through the past, “Florida Man beer bongs a gator. Said name Florida man weds gator. Florida Man builds makeshift raft out of betrothed blowup dolls; Divorces gator. Florida Man drinks Diet Coke. But never once in my whole life could I have expected some dude just rock a Rollie in the water and be like, ‘What? It’s supposed to be waterproof.”’ He readjusted his sunglasses. “Get a clue, amigo.” “I guess technically it’s not their responsibility to do anything about it,” another bystander commented, “But you’d think a lifeguard would at least try and talk some sense to him.” He furrowed his brow at the memory. “This whole state has lost its goddamned mind.” “Tell you what,” he added. “If you ever catch me rockin’ a sub… like, any sub… not just the 116610… within eyesight of a boat……
Florida Man Swims with Rolex Submariner
FT LAUDERDALE, FL – Last week, several witnesses confirmed the sighting of a middle-aged man frequent the shores of Cannon Beach, a stretch of sandbar notably adjacent to the Atlantic…
Proud Watch Owner Announces Latest Acquisition (Coinciding with Son’s Birth).
LOS ANGELES, CA — Last Friday, Dave Nelson was all too eager to broadcast a milestone nine months in the making. “New watch alert! Finally, super thrilled to share my…
Iron: The Next New Luxury?
LE BRASSUS, SWITZERLAND – Bronze watch fans be advised, there’s a new base metal on the horizon (with oxidation properties that could put your Oris to shame). As the latest…
Fans Defend Panerai’s Abuse with Zealous Indifference
New York, NY — While not entirely unique for the industry, Panerai is a brand that continues to challenge the loyalty of its followers with an approach that’s as controversial…
Thin-Wristed Man Scammed by “Miracle Pills” Promising Size Enhancement
One could say Louis Schmidt is an optimist. However they, too, might likely be conned into a similar fate of relinquishing several thousand dollars in hopes of “a guaranteed growth…
Public Provocateur Assaulted over Speedmaster Claims
Last week on the UC Berkley campus, student Andres Rivera was physically assaulted in response to his provocative choice of words sprawled across a poster board, “Speedmasters are novelties. Change my Mind.”
Ralph Lauren Challenges JLC Reverso for Bragging Rights to Iconic Polo Watch
The fashion mogul has built an empire, but will that be enough to produce a watch that rates more “likes” on Instagram?
Forum Contributor Claims Dive Watch “Sucks” because, “The lume isn’t good enough.”
As a “veteran of dive watch reviews for over three years,” the Kansas-City native and part-time blogger is no slouch when it comes to immortalizing his opinions for his thirty-six subscribers.
Man develops Chew Addiction, Facial Hair, and PTSD after Prolonged G-Shock Exposure.
Stultz is among a small but growing population to experience side effects after prolonged exposure to their Casio G-Shock, the timepiece of choice for the “go-anywhere do-anything” tactical professional. For him, and select individuals who share his affliction, the shift in change can be felt by others in its wake.
H. Moser & Cie. Jumps the Shark with “the Fonz” Minute Repeater
Unveiled yesterday, controversial watch brand H. Moser & Cie. has taken cheeky clichés to the next level with their latest release, a tribute to ABC’s beloved sitcom Happy Days.
New Website Skindiver.com Identifies Watches seen in Adult Films
“It’s just crazy how in the year of 2020, with all the websites Watchville has to offer, there isn’t a single trace of information to help identify wristwatches seen in porn.”
John Mayer Tests Fanaticism with LE Invicta Release
Surfing off his latest success with G-Shock, it appears the sky’s the limit for musician John Mayer—proving once and for all, there’s literally no timepiece the public won’t demand if…