Cancelled Nautilus leaves AD’s Relieved: “No more Bribes with Sexual Favors”

By: Damon Bailey

Last month, Patek Phillipe left the watch world in a state of shock when they chose to pull their coveted Nautilus model from their regular line-up. The ensuing reaction has been an exemplary case study of supply and demand—the “haves” enjoying their surge in stock worth, while the “have-nots” coming to terms with what will never be. To authorized dealers, however, the news comes as a collective sigh of relief. “Finally,” confided one broker, “No more sleazy bribes to get on waiting lists in exchange for sexual favors.”

True enough, solicitation by collectors willing to check their dignity for a timepiece has become an increasing problem of international proportion.

“At first it all started out innocent enough,” our insider began. “You know, like bro-flirting or whatever. Maybe there was the occasional offer to go sailing or fly out to their place in the Hamptons.” He paused to remove his suit’s pocket square and dabbed his forehead. “But then it just started to get out of control—so, so out of control. Like, descending toward dark web, south of the border, high on whip-its disarray.”

His fingers began to track the tallies. “We’re talkin’ ferris wheels handies, Milwaukee steamers, rodeo clown pies, back alley bingos… fuckin’ A.” Exacerbated, he lowered his head, “I’m a watch dealer, man—my smut years are behind me.”

Many dealers are now looking forward to what most have taken for granted; walking to their vehicle without fear of being stalked or healthier relationships without fear of being forcefully compromised. To a degree, collectors’ loved ones can relax as well. Accounts of significant others being offered up for “an hour of companionship” in exchange for hearing, “I’ll see what I can do” have dissipated entirely.

Even so, our insider remains vigilant. “The war isn’t over but it’s a start,” He remarked. “At least now there’s more bandwidth to turn down first-borns in exchange for Rolex.”

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