In an effort to cash in on nostalgia for antiquity and yesteryear’s quality, watch company TAG Heuer has recently announced they would soon become “Heuer” again. Former CEO Jean Claude Biver has confirmed, “TAG will still be very much in the picture – in fact their control won’t change in the slightest. They’ve simply resigned themselves to the understanding that, in general, they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing or how to market themselves. If it’s one thing we know for certain, it’s that omitting “TAG” on the dial makes for an easier watch to sell for people who knew about their history. All of this is purely for perception’s sake.”

The TAG Group acquired Heuer in 1985, thereafter fusing the company names, however it wasn’t until they were acquired by LVMH in 1999 that the door had opened for further changes. Ever since forfeiting their independence the general consensus had been that of disappointment that there was no clear-cut direction. “I know we’re all supposed to pretend like the nineties never happened for the watch world,” one enthusiast recalled. “A hall-pass or mulligan, if you will… but Jesus H. Christ… trying to see past TAG’s atrocities is on par with forgiving your partner of a bottom burp to the face when you’re mid-service. That sh*t requires therapy, you know?”

Save for the exceptions, the vast majority of the targeted market would prefer the brand revert to simply “Heuer”—as made evident by the more popular re-release of the original Monaco. Second to this however, was the aimlessness for TAG’s demographic. “I used to have nightmares where their tourbillon pieces would be displayed alongside their “Connect” series,” Biver lamented. “I’d wake up screaming—screaming in a cold sweat, ‘Make it stop make it stop!’ But then I realized I wasn’t asleep at all—it was all real… and I’d find myself clinging to a mall kiosk for stability where none was provided.” He wiped a string of sweat from his brow. “It was utter madness.”

While it’s still up in the air as to whether the market craves luxury smartwatches or NASCAR-inspired haute horology, two things are certain—the company’s image will be governed by heritage flair per customer demand and somehow be tied back to Steve McQueen.

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