Shelbyville, TN June 16, 2024 – In a bizarre incident that left shoppers stunned and security guards bewildered, a local man was arrested inside a Food Lion grocery store last night after he was found throwing a tantrum in the nude, vehemently insisting that his father had taken the form of a wristwatch and was chasing him through the aisles, yelling at him for his poor life choices.

The man, identified as 34-year-old Dave Thompson, was first spotted near the produce section, frantically tossing heads of lettuce and avocados in all directions while shouting, “Dad, stop judging me! I’m doing my best!” Witnesses reported that Thompson then proceeded to sprint down the canned goods aisle, pursued by an unseen entity he described as his father-turned-wristwatch.

According to store employees, Thompson’s tirade took an even stranger turn when he began to engage in a heated debate with his own wrist, which he accused of being overly critical and impossible to please. “You never approved of my career in interpretive dance!” Thompson yelled, shaking his fist at his left wrist. “Just because you’re a Rolex now doesn’t mean you can control me!”

Security footage later showed Thompson attempting to hide in the cereal aisle, only to re-emerge moments later, hurling boxes of Frosted Flakes and Fruity Pebbles at imaginary pursuers. “They’re grrrrrreat at ruining my life!” he screamed.

Store manager Lisa Cruz recounted the surreal episode with a mixture of horror and amusement. “I’ve seen people have meltdowns over expired coupons, but this was next level,” Cruz said. “He kept insisting his father was right there on his wrist, shouting at him to get his act together. I almost felt sorry for him—until he started a tug-of-war with Mrs. Jenkins over the last box of Pop-Tarts.”

Local authorities arrived on the scene shortly after Thompson’s dramatic clash with the Pop-Tarts, finding him curled up in a fetal position near the dairy section, muttering, “I’ll never be good enough for you, Superlative Chronometer Dad-watch.”

Sheriff Tim Brown, who led the arrest, described the encounter as “one of the most unusual calls I’ve ever responded to.” “We had to convince him that we weren’t there to take sides in his argument with his wristwatch dad,” Chronos explained. “Once we assured him that his father’s disapproving ticks wouldn’t be a problem in jail, he calmed down considerably.”

Thompson was taken into custody and charged with public indecency, disorderly conduct, and destruction of produce. He is currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, where doctors are trying to determine if there’s any truth to his claim of a paternal timepiece.

In the meantime, local watch retailers have reported a spike in inquiries about “disapproving dad watches,” with one store even launching a new ad campaign: “Make Every Second Count – Just Like Dad Wants.”

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