Man develops Chew Addiction, Facial Hair, and PTSD after Prolonged G-Shock Exposure.

By: Damon Bailey

SALEM, OR – Michael Stultz was distilled in a haze of thought, his eyes affixed across the horizon.  “I guess I just miss when life used to be less complicated, you know?”  He brought the spitter back to his bearded lips and emptied some spent Skoal.  “Figure everybody’s experience is a little different though.”

Sobering from the moment, the fiduciary consultant adjusted the brow of his velcro-laden cap, then inquired, “Why? What happened to you after you got your first G-Shock?”

Stultz is among a small but growing population to experience side effects after prolonged exposure to their Casio G-Shock, the timepiece of choice for the “go-anywhere do-anything” tactical professional.  For him, and select individuals who share his affliction, the shift in change can be felt by others in its wake.

“Sometimes when I ask him what’s wrong, he just tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it,” his wife confided.  “Thank Christ.  Because I savor those moments between the drunken rants about how his watch could survive a ten-story fall.”

Another common point of friction has been who was to blame for owning the change.  “I suppose I didn’t know what I was signing up for,”  Stultz recalled, having accepted the gift from his brother-in-law last Christmas.  “But does it really matter who’s at fault here?”  He shifted his watch face to the underside of his wrist. “Don’t overcomplicate it.”

Perhaps the most significant challenge for Stultz has been his ability to associate with others.  “I don’t understand folks sometimes,” he began, “Connecting, I mean.  The other day some guy told me it was three-o’clock… time to go home.  Took me a moment to realize that what he actually meant was ‘fifteen-hundred hours.’   But where was this… ‘home?’”

He paused to thump his can and packed another pinch under his lower gum.  “Is ‘home’ the picture of the slam-piece you carry stashed in your left breast pocket?  Or knowin’ somewhere state-side there’s gonna be a little human waitin’ to call you ‘Uncle Jody?’  Or maybe it’s the brother to your left’n to your right… hunkerin down and takin’ turns sharin’ the same skin mag.  Maybe that’s home to some fella out there.”  He glanced down where the LCD screen stared back.  “And I sure as hell ain’t gonna tell him different.”

Gaining traction with the term “G-Shock-shock,” similar phenomena have been known to occur across other professions where validity’s brought into question (often with infamous results).  Such reports include involuntary responses to “is there a doctor in the house” and “can anyone here fly a plane?”

Research will be ongoing for the foreseeable future.

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