Florida Man Swims with Rolex Submariner

By: Damon Bailey

FT LAUDERDALE, FL – Last week, several witnesses confirmed the sighting of a middle-aged man frequent the shores of Cannon Beach, a stretch of sandbar notably adjacent to the Atlantic Ocean—in spite of there being a Rolex Submariner affixed to his wrist.

Seemingly undeterred by the surf, sources recalled a display of “alarming nonchalance” as the half-naked figure transitioned between building sand castles and full submersion below waves.

‘“Oh nothing, just rinsing off,” he’d say,” recalled a local with disbelief.  “And then he’d just waltz in there… waist deep… with the Rolex on his wrist and everything.”   He paused to find his words until they finally flared all at once, “Like it was just no big fu**ing deal that the thing was gonna get wet!”

Lifelong native Andrew Rencher commented, “You know, sometimes, you just sort of try and pretend like you don’t live in a world of clichés.  But, like, you can’t escape the unexpected, right?”  He sifted through headlines through the past, “Florida Man beer bongs a gator.  Said name Florida man weds gator.  Florida Man builds makeshift raft out of betrothed blowup dolls; Divorces gator.   Florida Man drinks Diet Coke.  But never once in my whole life could I have expected some dude just rock a Rollie in the water and be like, ‘What?  It’s supposed to be waterproof.”’   He readjusted his sunglasses.  “Get a clue, amigo.”

“I guess technically it’s not their responsibility to do anything about it,” another bystander commented, “But you’d think a lifeguard would at least try and talk some sense to him.”  He furrowed his brow at the memory.   “This whole state has lost its goddamned mind.”

“Tell you what,” he added.  “If you ever catch me rockin’ a sub… like, any sub… not just the 116610… within eyesight of a boat… just slap me like your mama’s life depended on it.”

Despite the general public’s panic, a handful of outliers remained neutral to the disturbance.

“It’s a free country,” acknowledged Freddie Rodriguez of Miami.  “Sure, the stock market’s a nightmare and, yeah, choosing between your kids’ education or owning a home comes down to a coin toss… but I think a little crazy’s exactly what we need right now,” clarifying, “You know.  In these unprecedented times.”

 
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