Public Provocateur Assaulted over Speedmaster Claims

Berkeley, CA – Last week on the UC Berkley campus, student Andres Rivera was physically assaulted in response to his provocative choice of words sprawled across a poster board, “Speedmasters are novelties.  Change my Mind.”

Principal Patrick Welsch commented, “While our campus celebrates diversity and political discourse through the first amendment, everything has its limitations,” adding, “But to be more frank, our university would never tolerate this kind of hate speech.”

Mr. Rivera, a fourth year History major, could be seen earlier prior to the assault several times along avenues of high traffic where he’d stand his ground with a fold out table and chair.   Devoid from the scene was any mention of the watch’s significance or ties to being the “first watch worn on the moon.”  Reactions were mixed among the student body, with one account speculating, “I’m not sure I know what a speed master is, per say… like, of course I’m familiar with the general concept, but I—one hundred percent—know offensive language when I see it.”

To the initiated however, opinions become religious when identifying the context of an Omega Speedmaster.   Is it the quintessential tool watch… or is it a watch for tools prone to also owning a Fisher Space Pen?

“Ish jush fear of whash passé,” Mr. Rivera began, with a voice muffled by cotton balls and jaw clamps.  “Nobody wantch to feel irrelvenant.”  He attempted to shrug with his free shoulder.  “But maybe a’hm wrong.  Maybe all theesh folksh who’re convinched they’ll be ashtronauts will get the fife thoushand dollar watch and it will be a ticket to the nexsht NASHA interview.”  He chuckled then winced while cradling his left rib cage.

Aeronautics Club President James Siever was exceptionally passionate about the end state of Rivera’s affairs.  “Look, I’m not gonna say he had it coming… but if there’s any degree of success our chapter’s achieved, it’s only because we’ve stood on the shoulders of giants that have become before us.”  He hammered his fist into his palm.  “And on their wrist was a goddamned Omega Speedmaster.”

Regardless of the general consensus, Campus PD has ruled that the outcome was a small price to pay for the preservation of a Speedmaster-tolerant safe space.

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