In an unexpected turn of events, billionaire Mark Zuckerberg, 36, ignited global controversy with his decision to purchase Rolex SA—quite possibly the only other corporate identity capable of challenging the brand awareness of Facebook’s social empire.

In response to the shaken investors as to why, he simply shrugged, “Because I could.”

It was a move of unprecedented spontaneity for the watch world… most of all for Jean-Frederic Dufour, Rolex’s CEO who, upon hearing the news of the backdoor deal, muttered in disbelief, “He can’t actually do this, can he? What the hell just happened…?”

Choosing to forgo a press conference, Zuckerberg had this to say: “While boredom should be reason enough, I guess there’s just something intrinsically special to this particular brand’s mastery of exclusivity… the concept of unobtainability is one I’ve always sought to patent and apply toward all business dealings… whether it’s intellectual property or anything else one might hold dear.” Zuckerberg let out a chuckle, “Like that one time I bought half of Kauai just to fence it off and piss off the locals.” He shook his head, “Sure was worth it to see their faces though.”

Watch collectors have already begun to posture their savings accounts for the trials that lie ahead, polling Instagram users with annoying requests to highlight their preferences for the non-Rolex “sell pile.” In the meantime, Zuckerberg’s latest Tweet only furthered the panic, “That new blueberry Submariner kind of reminds me of our Facebook logo,” he remarked. “I think I’ll keep that one. All of that one. The ‘smurf’ too.”

While community opposition has begun to mount against Zuckerberg’s further restriction of product flow, he remains cryptic, “The future exists in China, which is exactly why we’ll relocate our headquarters for operations in Beijing where we’ll quadruple production. This is not to say they’ll become more widely available… we don’t even know what Rolex is yet. How big it can get, how far it can go. A million Submariners isn’t cool, you know what’s cool? A billion Submariners.”

Upon saying this, Zuckerberg paused a beat and gazed at his Timex, “Perhaps I’ll keep all of those too.”

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Please note: This is a satirical post meant for creative entertainment and comedic purposes

2 thoughts on “[Satire] Mark Zuckerberg Purchases Rolex Brand… Just Because.”

    • Just to be super candid – it’s not. This article is part of our “Balance Cock Bugle” section which we’re treating as an horological version of The Onion. So this is just for satirical entertainment.


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