Adult Diaper Purchases Spike in Anticipation of Collectors Sh**ting Themselves for Latest Rolex Reveal

PALO ALTO, CA — In the wake of COVID-19 preparation, America’s populace learned a valuable lesson in emergency preparedness; purchase all the toilet paper you can. What can’t be purchased, steal. Silicon Valley’s aspiring tech moguls won’t be fooled twice and have applied the same logic toward adult diaper hoarding, well-aware of the news that Rolex has been leaking updates for their latest releases. Enthusiasts everywhere are primed for soiling themselves.

“As an entrepreneur, anticipating unexpected needs has been my biggest disruption to competitive markets,” says Andrew Chang, CEO to several start-ups he describes as “the Uber of crypto-currency and general pivoting.” “There’s a new rat race on the horizon,” he continues. “Everybody will be pre-occupied with acquiring the latest Rolex but nobody’s factoring the secondary effects here—rampant involuntary control of bowels at the next Redbar watch meet-up. Sure, you’ll try to play it cool when somebody finally drops the latest Blueberry Sub in front of your next watch pile… but good luck trying to hide the explosive excrement running down the pant leg of your chinos.”

Andrew is currently developing an application that will allow users to trade diaper stock quantity, while values are expected to fluctuate based on trending Rolex-related SEO data. “Posturing ourselves to be proactive through diversification has been the foundation of our success. Times change, but monetizing Rolex hysteria is ever-present.”

When questioned how this could impact local hospice needs or convalescent care for seniors, he’s continued to dismiss the concern. “You mean the generation responsible for carbon emissions, global warming, and systemic prejudices? You can’t be serious…”

Damon Bailey( Contributor )

Damon is based out of the Bay Area, where he’s a black sheep among Apple Watch loyalists. Having served as a Combat Engineer with the USMC, he believes a true field watch’s success is measured by how closely it compares to a “G-Shock.” Nonsensically, a background in design has guided his preference toward higher craft, as he struggles to become the lifestyle his watch tastes more closely reflect.


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