There were a lot of different ways I could have started this article—one of which were, “So I almost barfed the other day,” but that would have been poor in taste.
See, we, the writing staff of Two Broke Watch Snobs, have an image to uphold. Among our principles, we hope you’d find us as accessible and steadfast to journalistic integrity, but above all, bound by virtue to be straight up for when it truly counts with our readers. Sometimes this means we will proverbially hold your hair back and tell you, “this, too, shall pass” as you face the consequences of poor decisions. Sometimes, it will simply just be us telling you that there’s a lot of other really cool shit you could buy for $5,900. Please consider the following:
1. The Tank Experience | $2,250-$3,200
If I told you there was a place that would let you rent a Sherman tank and run over shit located somewhere in rural Texas would you believe me? Oh. Well, in that case, you’d be thrilled to know they’re still open in a post-COVID-19 economy. It’s the only fully operational Sherman in the world which would also mean that, yes, you can shoot the canon. There are nine tanks to choose from in case you’re picky enough to voice a preference.
2. Nicolas Cage Sequin Pillow* | $23
“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”
“I always say, “Well if you think it’s over the top, then tell me where the top is first. I don’t think anyone can, but if you can tell me where the top is, then I’ll tell you whether or not I’m over it.”
This pillow will never get old and neither will any of the “Face Off” jokes teed up in suit.
3. Delightful Turkey Hat* | $15
You put it on your head and it makes you look like a Turkey. This would be infinitely more entertaining than something arbitrary like, I dunno… say a travel clock.
Four people. Equipped with a trackball. Less than $1 per game… and 3,500 of them for the choosing. Bar stools are included. It’s even got the wood grain appearance so as to not spoil the reclaimed Dwell magazine-acclaimed wood accent you’ve got from wall to wall.
“…realistically sculpted with terrifying teeth, retracted foot claws & an S-Shaped neck, then cast in quality designer resin & hand-painted with powerfully convincing color & Texture as faithful to the ancient species as possible.”
I have a confession to make. I saw this in a SkyMall magazine once when I was fifteen-years old and it’s been on my mind ever since. When I heard the airlines dropped the magazine, I was heartbroken… how else was I supposed to now get my Life-Size Toscano Design Velociraptor Garden Statue? Well, thankfully, the “everything store” has it, and for approximately one third the price of an alarm clock that would be utterly useless if you lost the key, you can have it too.
For too long, companies have touted their wares as ‘works of art,’ muddling the difference between “craft” and “concept.” This is a disservice to actual artists like this guy, Eric, who repurposed Royal-brand typewriter components into the appearance of a Kalashnikov rifle. At its simplest, it’s an ironic re-tooling of materials… below the surface, a commentary about an instrument’s power through hammering out words at a cyclic rate… at its core, an object that doesn’t require 2,000 words pleading with an onlooker to regard it as interesting.
7. Wave City Table | $5425
Pretty much a recreation of that scene from Inception, this abstract art coffee table “illustrates an urban skyline scattered with buildings that seemingly lifts into the air and folds on itself in a single, continuous curve. A series of meticulously carved structures add a sense of realism to the otherwise surreal design object, carefully balanced on the lower section of the street.”
A coaster would come highly recommended.
8. A Lego Super Mario Nintendo Entertainment System | $230
Check out this sweet meta-take on objets d’art, capable of making time wildly irrelevant and acting as an aide-mémoire for jump-starting your nostalgia. Based out of Denmark, these colorful interlocking bricks have become a source of fascination among the TBWS team, which is why, after being inspired to look-up expensive shit that’s still cheaper than a table clock, we knew we had to take the opportunity to share it with the world.
Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me this isn’t worth thirteen dollars? Seriously? I want to hear you say it. Fucking say it. Say, “Damon what do you need a chicken harness with matching belt for?”
Truthfully I don’t need it for anything at the moment but that isn’t to say that I might not need it for some reason or another someday.
10. Picatinny Rail Battle Mug | $189
Milled from a single block of ten-pound 6061 T6 billet aluminum, this quad-mounted mil-spec Picatinny rail mug allows for optional handles, scopes, bayonets, holo-sights or Surefire flashlights–however your heart may desire—to lock on the side. Works well with hot or cold beverages. It also pairs well with a rail-mountable chainsaw…
11. Killsaw Chainsaw Bayonet | $365
Introducing the first ever cordless electric chainsaw bayonet to attach to a Picatinny rail!
Goes great with coffee mugs!!!
12. TF-19 WASP Flamethrower Drone Attachment | $1500 ($4,400 left over for purchasing a drone separately)
Have you ever caught yourself wondering, “Sure all this drone tech is great and all, but when are we gonna get some flame throwers up there?” The time has come, my friend. Pursuant to the FAA, these bad boys are sanctioned for “agricultural use” bringing “new levels of efficiency and manageability to crop-growing habitats,” because nothing can compare to being effectively managed quite like burning all of it down.
Some of you are probably asking yourselves, “Are shitting me? All this crap is ridiculous. A Nicholas Cage pillow? A flying flamethrower? Why not use $5900 for some actual good? How about a little philanthropy?!”
Say no more…
One Set Male Physical Ƥéénǐs Weights Silicone Ball Stretching Extender Exercise Gravity Řinĝ for Men* | $17
… at the cost of $17 a pop, you could economically purchase and donate these to any Instagram user who hashtags #hodinkeeclock with a pic of their latest toy because, let’s be real; we all know what it is they really want…
Damon is based out of the Bay Area, where he’s a black sheep among Apple Watch loyalists. Having served as a Combat Engineer with the USMC, he believes a true field watch’s success is measured by how closely it compares to a “G-Shock.” Nonsensically, a background in design has guided his preference toward higher craft, as he struggles to become the lifestyle his watch tastes more closely reflect.