The Balance Cock Bugle

Horological satire at its finest


Tag Heuer drops “TAG” from Name by Popular Demand

They've simply resigned themselves to the understanding that, in general, they have absolutely no idea what they're doing or how to market themselves.

HSNY hosts “Guide to Enunciation for All Things-Horology.”

René Ramis, HSNY’s Senior Instructor, was careful to articulate each vowel as he signed the accents across open air. “Tourbillon… côtes de Genève… ébauche… guilloche… These aren’t vending machine snacks.

Oregonian Evades Authorities and Races Toward Fires, “It’s Okay! I’ve Got a Ball Fireman.”

“Then he just broke into leg stretches and goes, ‘How long [have] I got? Thirty minutes? Forty-five minutes?’ He went on about how the smoke was no problem for a ball fireman’s tritium tubes and I should watch out…”

Husband with Selective Taste Begs Wife, “Please, Please Don’t Buy Me Another Watch”

I mean why own one or two Rolexes when you could have several dozen-” His voice trailed off before reaching back in the box, “...Kenneth Cole Reactions.”

Mark Zuckerberg Purchases Rolex Brand… Just Because.

Zuckerberg comments, “That new blueberry Submariner kind of reminds me of our Facebook logo,” he remarked. “I think I’ll keep that one. All of that one. The ‘smurf’ too.”

IWC Stoked That COVID and BLM Have Eclipsed the Toxic Male Investigations Led by #MeToo.

“F**k me, bro,” he began. “They had us by the balls for sure. I didn’t know if we’d ever be able shake the bad press haunting us from those earlier ads.”

Top Reddit Watch Seller Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

“In the past year, despite a global pandemic, social unrest, and economic catastrophe, [Ramachandran] successfully found homes for thousands of neglected watches.”

Ebay Seller Lists, “Used/Superb Leather Hodinkee Straps – in USED, Honest Condition, See Comments. No Returns.”

Included in the lot are three pairs at fifty percent off retail for a BuyItNow price of $528 + $75 shipping—a bargain to any enthusiast who’s been coveting a watch strap bearing the website’s stamp.

Man Tears Rotator Cuff Trying To Get Rolex Into Frame On Video Call

ReadySetMarketing is contesting Mr. Jung’s filing of worker’s compensation, stating that his Rolex isn’t an essential tool for his day to day duties and that no one else in the video call had their camera on except him.

YouTube Watch Reviewer Confused That He Can’t Pay Rent with Freebies

"I showed her the quality of the logo on the box." Blaine Parker, the YouTube watch reviewer, explained as he raised a box for us to see the embossed lettered. "See? That's pressed into the box - not printed. Quality!

Adult Diaper Purchases Spike in Anticipation of Collectors Sh**ting Themselves for Latest Rolex Reveal

In the wake of COVID-19 preparation, America’s populace learned a valuable lesson in emergency preparedness; purchase all the toilet paper you can. With news that Rolex has been leaking updates for their latest releases. Enthusiasts everywhere are primed for soiling themselves.

Watch Collector Optimistic with Latest Acquisition’s Potential to Raise His Sex Appeal

Having come across a flattering photo of Ryan Reynolds in a Google search for “celebrity watch brands,” Melvin Greenberg, 41, was convinced, “This is the one. This is the one that will finally get me laid.”

Bahamian Vacationer Drowns Due To Bezel Play

"I don't understand. I told Mr. Baker that it was time to surface," Ramon, their tour guide explained "But he just kept looking at his watch and saying something about ISO standards and asking me if my Apple Watch was ISO COSC.”